“I wish you’d open up more.”
I wish I could. More than anything. Especially to you.
But I can’t very well do that when you’re the one who makes me both happy and sad at the same time.
“I always wonder how we would do long-term. I kind of think we’re good in spurts. But prolonged I dunno how we’d do. I think it’d either be an A+ or an F, I don’t think we’d have any middle ground.”
You have no idea how much this hurt to hear from you. Because this just proves that you wonder what it’d be like if we were together, but you don’t care enough to give us a shot. And that hurts. But more importantly, it makes me wonder - why the hell are we still doing this?
I can’t do this anymore.
Yesterday, one of my friends told me I “can do so much better than the boys I choose.”
But the truth is, I don’t want better. I just want the one.
Even if, deep down, I know I deserve better, I don’t need it. Because I think back to the happiness I felt when everything was good between us, and that was all I needed. Everything felt so perfect then.
I don’t care if I can do better. I had everything I wanted.
There are so many things I don’t understand.
I don’t understand how you could be so cruel. I don’t understand how you can just act like the past 7 months were nothing. I don’t understand how you can just treat me like I’m nothing, like I no longer exist. Have you forgotten all of the things you said to me? How could you be so cruel as to tell me I’m important to you and that you want me to meet your parents if you didn’t mean it?
I don’t understand how you can move on so easily. You told me you were crazy about me. You used to text me everyday. You used to try so hard to impress me. You seemed so happy. Is it really that easy to forget? Am I really that easy to let go of? Did it all mean that little to you?
I don’t understand how something that meant so much to me can mean so little to you.
I don’t understand where it all went wrong.
But most of all, I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to move on. I just want to be okay again.
I don’t know why I thought
that you wouldn’t forget me.
I don’t know why I thought the t-shirt I gave you or the card I made you for Valentine’s Day would make you remember me. I don’t know why I thought the bracelet I left at your house would serve as a reminder of me.
I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to keep you with only memories.
I guess because you’ve managed to keep me so easily - and you never gave me anything at all.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
What I do know is that everything just hurts.
“Well what do YOU want?”
When discussing my current situation with friends, that is the universal question they all have asked me.
And yeah, I want to go to OSU because the experience would be worthwhile. It’s a real college campus with the people, the parties, and fun. And it’s a more prestigious university and I have great friends there.
And I want Cleveland State because I have good friends there and the sports teams and career I want are there.
But when they ask me what I truly want, all I think is, “Him.”
And I know that’s the absolute worst reason possible in making my decision. The boy who has done nothing but drag me to heaven and hell, who doesn’t care about me, and who doesn’t love me back is the last person/thing I should have in mind. But instead, he’s the absolute first.
Either way, either choice I make, I’m going to think “What if?”
If I go to OSU, I’m going to think, “What if I had stayed? Would he and I finally have gotten together? What if he had finally learned to love me back? What if I have up the only guy I’ve ever loved?”
But if I stay in Cleveland, there’s no guarantee he’ll even still want me. And I’ll always wonder, “What if I’d just moved? Would I have a different life? Would I be happier? Who would I have met?”
I’m so lost. I can’t get a grip. I can’t come to a decision. And I have no time left. Everything just hurts and nothing makes sense anymore.
I don’t want to do this. I just want to go back to being happy. I just want to know everything is going to be okay again.
I thought deciding on a school two years ago was tough.
But it’s even tougher now. Because now, there are so many other factors. Now, I feel so torn I just want to sit and cry and wish it all away.
I can’t do this anymore and I’m running out of time.
I can’t do this anymore.
I just can’t.
But I can’t even give up. Because I have nothing to give up on. I’m just holding on to nothing.
And I don’t know how to let go.
